A combination of saving for a deposit, having exclusively £3.57 in my current account at all times, and falling head over heels for the blogging world and social media led me to a bit of a dark place. Not in a wellbeing kind of way, but something peculiar did happen. I found myself wanting to be my online self, more than I wanted to just be Jade. I wanted to constantly be posting and striving for the next thing. I wanted to create a gang of friends that we could all discuss the ins and outs of our lives online. And I wanted to be the person that I was so frequently posting as.
Don’t get me wrong – I wasn’t catfishing anyone. This is actually my lil potato face and matching personality, but a much more polished and fine-tuned version. Where my hair is always nice, I’m funny and I don’t have Kinder melted to my top. The version of Jade that I always want to be, but definitely do not have the time and patience to be. I was getting a rush from my posts being read more widely, my following growing and being messaged by people talking about topics that are important to me.
In all honesty it consumed me a little bit. I would be thinking constantly about what posts I could write, thinking about new and creative ways to take photos, and the checklist goes on. However, it didn’t leave much room for my actual offline life. I never really felt present in my own life.
Y’know the scene in Avatar when Jake Sully talks about the host life feeling like the real world and his actual reality being like a dream? I BLOODY GET IT.
I feel like I neglected just being myself for a while. I feel like I neglected Ben, my family and I definitely neglected my friends. The people who are my cheerleaders and only ever want what’s best for me, seemed to take a back seat to Bella Inizio. The balance has been off for a while, and something had to give.
And the thing that bought me back to Earth? A simple message from my old uni housemate saying she missed me. That was it. No grand revelation. No dramatic fall from grace. A pure and simple reminder that everyone is still there waiting for me. And the fact that I haven’t actually felt present for I would say a good year now is a bit embarrassing.
There are so many plates spinning, in not only my own life, but everyone’s. And if you spend too long focusing on one, the others are going to start to wobble. And whilst I’m still trying to understand the balance and discipline myself to fit it all in and give every aspect of life the attention it needs, I’m on the right path.
I no longer feel guilty when I miss a posting day. I don’t panic if I don’t post to IG stories and tweet enough. And I don’t beat myself up if I want an evening of lazing around, eating Pringles and watching Sex In The City for the 9th time.
I went out with my big group of friends for a birthday a little while ago. We got ready together, I did some makeup and wore heels that were far too high whilst drinking London priced cocktails. Which ended in walking home bare footed and having cold pizza as a drunken snack. And it was fucking wonderful. A reminder that Bella Inizio is merely an extension of Jade, not an alter ego.