As Bridget Jones so rightly stated, ‘it is a truth universally acknowledged that when one part of your life starts going okay, another falls spectacularly to pieces’. And truer words have never been spoken.
For a long time, my blog and everything internet has been in the forefront of my mind. I would plan my content, send out emails and go on engagements sprees not-so-sneakily from my desk and then throw myself back into my day job that I knew so well. And the balance seemed to be pretty great. However, in the constant quest for more dollar to fund my growing addiction to New Look I took on a new role within my company.
And as much as I love the people I have met, and the prospects are much better if I were to want a career in insurance. My blog life has suffered and then some. My brain is so tired from learning a job that takes over 2 years to be competent in, my motivation is low, and my mental health has taken an absolute nose dive since I started in January.
Meaning when it comes to being creative and enthusiastic, my brain is on DND and I can just about string a sentence together. Let alone being beautifully articulate and effortless funny.
And for the entirety of 2018 I have beat myself up about it. I feel guilty for not posting to my blog as frequently, I feel guilty that something I love sometimes does feel like a chore when I’m tired and grumpy. And I feel even guiltier in the fact that I want and almost expect growth on every platform when I’m not putting in the work.
If we’re being honest my Instagram and blog following only went up by 500 from January to September. My DA score has actually gone down since 2017. And I beat myself up that I’m not where I want to be.
However, something clicked in September for me. I realised that in actual fact, I don’t just have my day job and blogging on the side. I’m actually; an operations underwriter, a personal assistant, an engagement coordinator, a content creator, a visual director, a photographer, a digital editor, an accountant, a student, a girlfriend, a daughter, a friend and the list goes on and on. With all of those different titles, I realised that the one that was missing was just ‘Jade’.
I never allowed myself the time just to indulge in what I want to do, not what I think I should be doing. If I have an evening to myself, I very seldom think ‘I’m just going to veg out and unwind’. I think how I can use my time productively. What else I can do with my time to ease the strain later on. I am constantly pressuring myself to be better, and not allowing myself the time to just be.
It’s very easy to lose yourself under all your different titles, all the things that make you who you are, and how you spend your time. But if you strip it all away, all your left with is you. You are only one person and you need to allow yourself the freedom to just be. To get in touch with yourself and know who you and what you want.
I feel like I’ve become a little disconnected of late. I’m constantly trying to juggle and keep it all together, and stressing at the fact that if I don’t hustle no one else will do it for me. And whilst I still feel like that, I no longer punish myself for occasionally dropping the ball or watching 9 episodes of Will and Grace back-to-back with a family sized bar of Galaxy.
They say life is a constant juggle, whereas if you think of it as a balance instead, it’s far easier to see which way the scales are tipping. You’re only human and they will sway from side to side, the lesson is to learn to not beat yourself up when they do.