Dear Diary: Mentally Checking Out

11th September 2019

I don’t know where I fit in when it comes to the big bad world of work.

Something that I’ve struggled with, for actually a very long time, is my place in the working world. My job history whilst fairly limited has been pretty defining, and whilst I know I don’t want to do what I’m currently doing, I don’t know which path to take.

Mentally checking out for my jobs, current and past is something that’s been getting me down massively. It makes me dread coming into the office, I get Sunday night anxiety and I just feel completely lost.

I worked in a bar straight from uni, my first ever ‘real’ job. I loved the social aspect as my colleagues were all my friends, however shift work, working until 4am over the weekend, minimum wage were all big ticks in the con column. Then a drunk gal drunkenly spitting Sambuca on me one fine Saturday night was the nail in that coffin.

Unemployed and directionless, I went into a 3 month fixed term contract at an insurance firm whilst I ‘figured out my next step’. The FTC got extended, and extended and extended, until something pretty traumatic happened (which maybe one day I’ll go into) and I had to leave my job. With only 2 months to find something, I went into another insurance job as they are always recruiting and it was an easy transition.

2 analytical roles over 2 and half years, and it never felt like a good fit. Whilst I didn’t hate what I did most of the time, I felt like I was wasting my life, wasting my skills and that in turn led to me being pretty down. I knew none of these roles were making use of any of the skills I had to offer, none of them left me feeling fulfilled and to be honest, I didn’t really give a s**t about them. However I didn’t know what would, I didn’t know what roles were out there that have things that I’m looking for. And again, I felt completely detached and mentally checked myself out.

I was partially down about where my life was headed at the beginning of the year, when a new role came up. Which gave me the opportunity to change departments and change offices, and without doing any research or asking any questions I leaped at the chance. Spoiler alert, don’t do that.

I’m now in possibly the worst role I’ve ever been in – if you, like me thought it could be fun to be a personal assistant, YOU ARE WRONG SIS. It is fresh hell. You’re essentially doing bits no one else wants to do. You have no tasks that are your own. You will be asked to be someone’s bitch essentially, and I for one am not about this life. My fellow PA’s you are all heroes, who work beyond hard and never get the recognition you deserve. I tip my hat to you.

I work with so many dedicated, hardworking people, whose lives seem to really be aligned to their roles and a huge part of their identity is within these roles. And yet, I have never once felt like that, not even for a moment. Once I’ve learnt the basics of my role, decide it’s not actually what I enjoy I mentally check out. I have no pride in my work, I become complacent and distracted and all of the traits I absolutely hate in others.

It comes back to; how you can love something you don’t care about? I don’t care about any of the roles I’ve had. And that is something I’m so desperate to change.  I want to do a good job; I want to take pride in what I do. And yet it seems the second I realise ‘this isn’t what I want’ I mentally check out.

The point of this rant and rave is to say, I don’t know what path to take, I’ve mentally checked out of every role I’ve ever had (especially the one I’m in) and I would like someone to guide me.

CV upon request, help a lost gal out.

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3 responses to “Dear Diary: Mentally Checking Out”

  1. I understand and feel you so much on this. Find something that lights you up, a passion and pursue that. You never know where it may lead. Good luck.. 🙂 x

  2. that’s so tough to deal with, you wanna feel good about going into work! i’ve been looking for the right fitting job for awhile now, it’s definitely not the easiest journey 💛 i hope you find a job you’re really passionate about!

  3. Girl I feel this. I went straight from school to college to having kids, so my first job was supposed to just be a foot in the door type thing, and it’s only part time so I’ve tried other jobs around it and they always make me miserable, whilst I don’t love the job I have, I am comfortable doing it, which isn’t something I can say for other jobs I’ve had, I had to leave my most recent second job after only a month of being there because I was having panic attacks every time it came to leave for work or even the night before, and I couldn’t carry on. I think I know what I would like to do now at almost 27, but I now have no idea where to start or how to get there. Being a grown up is no fun. Hope you find what you want to do lovely 💖x

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